Twilight Spoofs
by Livvia the Birdy
Summary: Ok, so I got on and found this little blurb someone did. It's like if Bella and Edward were to have gotten back from their honeymoon and Bella was a vampire and nothing pertaining to the book happened and I took over it. So... yeah.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, someone on decided to get silly and posted the first thing of this. I, being bored out of my mind, thought it was funny and tried my hand. Most of this is what I wrote, though there are a few points where people stepped in to give it a try. I'll underline all the ones I didn't do. Usernames from Twilighters will be kept basically private unless they come on here and claim it (Because I really don't remember...)**

I was all alone, Bella and Edward won't be back from their honeymoon until next week. And what a shock they'll get!

"Hi, Jacob!" Bella said when I visted her to see her new vampire-self.

"Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Bloodsucker!" I said nevously.

Edward started laughing. "Jacob, that CAN'T be true!"

"It is." I hissed.

"What?" Bella asked.

"He's imprinted on MIKE!"

"wtf? That's messed up!"

"What? Mike likes me too." I muttered.

--

Then Mike walks in.

"Mike! How could you?!" Bella asks.

"How could I what?"

"You let the dog imprint on you! I thought you liked ME!"

"I… uh… um…"

"Bella? I thought you didn't care about Mike like that…?" Edward raises an eyebrow.

"I… uh… don't. I think…"

"Bella likes me?" Mike perks up.

"Don't even think about it." Jakes wiggles his eyebrows at Mike.

--

All of the sudden Jasper comes out from hiding laughing his ass off.

"Haha! I can't believe you fell for that, Bella!"

"Jasper? You set this up?"

"No, I made you think you **liked **Mike, for a minute! Haha!"

"Wait…. So Jake still imprinted on Mike?"

"Yep."

Bella looks around.

"Where'd they go?"

"Um…" Edward says. "I think you might want to wait to hang your coat up… the closet's a little full, I think…"

--

"Eh…" Bella says, looking toward the closet. "I think I'm gonna be sick…"

"You're so beautiful when you're sick, Bella" Edard grins.

"Shut up, Piano-man…"

"Ooh, scary new nickname from the scary new vampire."

"You want scary? I'll SHOW you scary!"

"How?"

"**ALICE!**"

"Bella…" Edward gulped. "What are you doing?"

"Yes Bella?" Alice askes, popping her head in.

"Edward wants a **makeover.**" Bella says, causing Alice to look over at Edward with an evil grin on her face.

In responce, Edward runs out yelling, "Mommy! I Mean Esme! My wife and sister are being mean to me!!"

--

Bella's POV

"That's perfect!" Alice exclaimed. I had asked her to see what Edward would look like after the makeover, and apparently we had much of an accomplishment coming.

"I'm so proud of us!" she screamed, yet still sounding angelic.

"Haha, we haven't even started the makeover yet." I reminded her.

"And you never will" Edward threatened. We went on, ignoring Edward's comment.

"Well, I know something that might make you change your mind," I whispered in his ear….

--

Edward shivers, looking at Bella with a raised eyebrow.

"You wouldn't."

"I would."

"You wouldn't!?"

"I would!"

Edwards breathing becomes troubled as he starts backing away from Bella.

"What are you talking about?" Alice demands.

"Edward _hates_ it when I **beg**." Bella informs Alice, a maniacle smile on her face.

"Please! Anything but that!" Edward moans.

"Nope." Bella says, then her face becomes pouty and pleading

"Please Edward? Please let us punish you. It's all I want. Please?"

"I thought you wanted my body?!"

"Oh… well… That can wait until after we punish you… Please?!"

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"Because you were mean to Bella. No Bella want's to punish you, Please?" Bella said, intenifying the pout when she used first person.

"Ugh… Can't… take… it…!"

"Pwetty Pwease with Wabbits, and Mountian Wions, and Iwwitable Gwizzlies, and human me's on top?"

"Human yous? Nice touch." Alice snickers.

"Grrr… Fine! Punish me! But be gentle with the Ed-man!" Edward gives in.

"Excellent!" Bella and Alice hiss at the same time, each grabbing one of Edward's wrists to drag him off.

--

So, as Bella and Alice are pulling Edward away, Jasper and Emmet start talking.

"500 bucks he comes back blond." Jasper bets.

"650 he hasp painted nails." Emmet says.

"725 there's nothing left of the bathroom when they're done."

"900 they rape him.

"Ooh. Nice one. 1000 he can never play the piano again."

"1100 he sweet talks Bella out of it."

"1500 Mike and the dog beg to get in on the action."

"What action?" Rosalie asks, walking in.

"Nothing…." Emmet says, trying (And failing) to look innocent.

"Cut the crap, I want in."

"Fine… Bella's having Alice give Edward a makeover as punishment."

"Uh-huh… 2000 we never see any of them again." Rosalie smiles.

"Nice," The boys say at the same time.

--

MEANWHILE

Carlisle and Esme are lounging around by the cars.

"Carlisle," Esme says. "How come we never do it?"

"W-what?" Carlisle asked, looking over at his wife shockedly.

"You know… You never touch me. Never even kiss me. I love you, so why not?"

"It's much too violent." Calisle shakes his head feircly.

"Violent? How?"

"It just… is."

"But-"

"I'm far to compassionated for such an act!"

"But I'm far too loving not to! This tortures me Care-bear!"

"Esme- Please?!"

"But-!"

"No! I can't!"

"Why?"

"Because I- Oh, forget it!"

Odd noises came from the garage that night….

--

"Hey Alice, how's the makeover going?" said Jasper to the spiky-haired figure walking out of the bathroom in a pink floral dress.

"Very funny Jasper," Edward scowled. Jasper was taken completely by surprise.

"Whoa, dude, they totally, made you… un-dude-ish! I thought you were Alice!!" Jasper exclaimed. With a closer look, Jasper realized that it was in fact Edward, dressed in one of Alices day-old dresses. He was so attractive that in makeup he simply looked like a beautiful girl, not that Jasper would say that out loud though. His makeup was intensified by the hair-do they gave him, which was very similar to Alice's, except a bit longer, since he refused to let them cut his hair, even through Bella's puppy faces. His long messy hair was part of his "trademark look" he told them. Plus, Bella didn't want to lose a month's worth of running her fingers through his hair.

Just as Edward was about to reply, Emmett walked around the corner. He glanced over at Edward, probably thinking that it was Alice, just like Jasper did, but then he did a double-take. He stared at Edward for four seconds before bursting out into hysterical laughter on the floor. It took another four seconds before Edward prepared to attack. He lunged at Emmett, thinking he may actually win a fight against Emmett due to his uncontrollable laughter. Just before he attacked however…

--

Bella walks in smiling.

"Oh Eddie!"

"Eh… what-" Edward abruptly turns around mid-lunge, facing Bella. "-did you just call me?"

"Eddie. Why?"

"I HATE THAT NAME!! ROAR!!"

"W-what? But it's s-so cuuuuuuuuuttttte!" Bella quivers,  
afraid of her husband.

"DON'T CALL ME EDDIE!"

"But-!"

"No buts! I let you put me in a dress, put make up on me, and mess up my man-do; but I will NOT tolerate such a rediculous nickname!!"

"But- Eddiepuss-!"

"No! No Eddiepuss, either!"

"Fine! Well maybe you should just march those stelleto heels to the closet-" Bella hides the gag in the back of her mouth "-with Jake and Mike!"

"But-!"

"No buts! Either you're Eddie, or your going to the closet!"

"Fine…" Edward mumble, bearly coherent. "I'll let you call me… Eddie…"

**((Yeah... I know... That was ubber sad... Ok, tell me if you guys want more, or if I'm losing my touch. And the content, Cullen forbid, might get a litte… Like the Esme/Carlisle thing. That's just how I roll. I might do something that'll lead you to believe that I'm anti- this character or that character, but I'm still Team ****Canada** all the way. Nothing is meant to be offencive, just fricken' funny. People requested I make this a fanfic, so I did. Tell me what Y'all think .))  



	2. Chapter 2

**Back by popular request from , TWILIGHT SPOOFS! **

THE NEXT DAY

Edward, back to normal, swaggers to the garage.

"Carlisle! Esme!" He gasps. "What the hell happened to my precious Volvo?!"

"We got busy," Esme giggles.

"WHAT?! ON My VOLVO!?"

"Well, the Volvo had a nicer back seat then the Mercedes." Calisle shrugs.

"What? Why didn't you use the Porsche?"

"Alice would have killed us before we touched it."

"And you don't think I'm going to kill you?"

"No, I don't. Because you can see in our minds that the Volvo was destroyed for a noble cause in our heads."

"What-? Ah! I REALLY don't need to see you replaying it in your head, Esme!"

"But it was so _beautiful _!"

"Ugh! Gross! I'm out'a here!"

"Sure, Sure."

"Don't talk like the gay dog, Carlisle!" Edward warned them running out the door before yelling; "Bella! Mommy and Daddy- I mean, Carlisle and Esme are being mean to me!!"


	3. Chapter 3

P

LATER THAT DAY

Alice and Rosalie go shopping;

"I wonder if I'd look good in these pants…" Rosalie says.

"Wow. You couldn't pull those off." Alice snorts.

"Excuse me?"

"Those pants wouldn't look good on you at all."

"Why you little-"

"Bring it!"

Rosalie lunges at Alice, hissing in anger. Alice snickers and steps aside.

"Being blinded by self adoration makes you slow." Alice chides.

"Oh, you're soooo dead!"

"Aren't we all?"

"Grrrrr!"

"Muwahahaha!"

MEANWHILE

Jasper and Emmet watch from close but safe distance.

"500 bucks Rose breaks a nail." Jasper bets.

"650 Alice has no hair left." Emmet says.

"725 there's nothing left of the store when they're done."

"900 they get naked."

"Ooh yeah! 1000 someone gets bit."

"1100 the person bit is human."

"1500 Mike and the dog beg to get in on the action."

"Action? Where?" Edward asks, tapping Jasper's shoulder when he and Bella walk up.

"Alice and Rose are fighting over whether those pants would look good on Rose."

"But… Those are soccer mom pants."

"Rose thinks she can wear anything." Emmet shrugs

"Uh-huh… 2000 we never see either of them again." Bella smiles.

"Nice," All three boys say at the same time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Back again by popular demand (and begging, chanting, cheering, and the making of a few peoples days) TWILIGHT SPOOFS!! Now, before you read, remember that I REALLY want some review ON THIS SITE TO THE STORY. I love being told on meebo and how much y'all love it, but if you review here then when people look up stories, then it might appear sooner then it might otherwise have. Twilight stuff should be shared with the world, so spread the word. Writing's all I seem to be good at, so help me up my Ego!! Tell people about this story and make it famous (or something)!!**

LATER

Jasper and Emmet are in the Cullen's (Secret) basement/game room. This game room is filled with hundreds of different types of arcade style games. The house favorite?

DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!!

"I'm gonna kick your ass!" Emmet laughs as they come down the stairs.

"In your dreams, ape-man." Jasper grins.

"Too bad I don't dream!" Emmet sticks his tongue out at Jasper.

"Exactly."

"What?"

"Never mind…"

"Fine. Let's see, what song shall we dance to…?"

"That one!"

"No, that one!"

"No that one!"

A back and forth of this went on for a long time. Bella and Rosalie had been watching from a pair of bean bag chairs nearby.

"100 bucks they break the machine." Rose bets.

"650 they fight over the song so much that they never get to play." Bella snickers.

"725 there's nothing left of the game room when they're done."

"900 they get Eddie and Carlisle into it to take sides."

"Haha! 1000 someone runs to Esme saying 'Mommy, he's being mean to me!'"

"1100 they wrestle over it."

"1500 Mike and the dog beg to get in on the action."

"What are you talking about?" Alice asks, walking in and plopping down between the tow vampiresses.

"Jazz and Em are fighting over what song to do DDR to." Rosalie explains.

"And we're taking bets." Bella shrugs.

"Rose and I think they'll never get around to playing" Emmet shrugs

"Uh-huh… 2000 Edward comes down and they rip each other's clothes off." Alice smiles.

"Nice," All three say at the same time.

**Again, please review .**


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